I've been really bored this weekend so I've practically been living on deviant art. On one of my many searches I came across several reviews and essays, all stating how horrible twilight is, after reading about 50 of these I was seriously considering taking a plane to America, strangling Meyer and avenging the brutal mutilation of literature. After calming down I realised that even if I did kill her twilight would still exist to poison minds of its ever-growing army of fantards, so, I decided to write a DUN, DUN, DUUUN! Twilight thingy [insert girlish scream here], so as to warn people of the evil of twilight and possibly save a few people the horror of reading it.
Things wrong with twilight:

1: Bella! I mean COME ON! How could anybody fail to see that Bella is a Mary-Sue, on the Mary- sue litmus test Bella scored 111! Her name means beautiful swan, she's a younger and thinner version of Meyer, everyone's friends with her no matter how horrible she is to them, she get A's in every subject except P.E, one vampire chases her across three states because she's sooooo special, she has about 50 boys chasing after her even though there's no reason why they can't get girlfriends, she refuses to believe that she's pretty, she moves to Forks by her own choice and only has to wait a year before she's old enough to move out but she STILL complains AND she has absolutely no life other than Edweird. Bella is also very anti-feminist, when she arrives at her father's house she cooks all his meals for him and does all the housework without him asking, despite the fact that he has managed just fine for the past 17 years and when she is forcibly kissed by a boy (sexual assault) rather than resisting she goes limp and waits for him to stop.

2: Edweird: Edweird's behaviour matches that of a possessive and abusive partner, He puts down Bella's friends and makes it difficult for her to see them, he loses his temper over trivial things, he has rigid and old fashioned ideas about the roles of men and women, his mood swings are erratic and Bella finds herself constantly trying to gauge his mood, it's difficult for her to get space away from him and when she does he quizzes her about where she's been and who she was with ( he kidnaps her and locks her in his house for Christ's sake!) and one the common things abusers say is If 'you leave me I'll kill myself' Edweird tells her this about 50 times per book!  

3: The vampires: I know that Meyer was entitled to take a different spin on classic vampires but twilight mutilated the classic vampire so much that these things are more like some kind of fairy! Not only did Meyer take away the few weaknesses vampires had she tried to explain them with science, saying that sparkling was a way to attract prey and that because males don't have periods that hideous hell spawn child Renesme could exist, I don't know about anybody else, but if some freaky sparkling thing was standing in front of me I'd be thinking 'what the hell is that thing?!' and be trying to get away from it, not thinking 'oooohhhhh, sparkly' and walking towards it and If vampire skin was as hard as a rock they wouldn't even be able to move  let alone have sex and conceive a child! Another thing that annoys me about the vampires is the lack of fangs; fangs are the main thing that people identify with vampires. A human, or vampire for that matter, would be incapable of even having teeth as sharp as rats because eating would slowly wear away at the teeth until they where blunt again, the only reason a rats teeth remain so sharp is because of their positioning in the mouth which causes the rats incisors to rub against each other, constantly being resharpened.

4: Poor use of grammar and the English language: one of the most basic things in the world of grammar is capitals; you only use them at the start of the sentence, for a proper noun or in the title of a film or book, now, find the nearest copy of twilight, pick it up and look at the title, TWILIGHT IS SPELT WITH A LOWER CASE 'T'!!!! (Sorry for that outburst, it was very Edweird of me :D)  Another thing that really irritates me about Meyer's writing is that she seems incapable of using a noun without taking several adjectives onto it, take this example from page 228 'He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep.' If you striped that down to its' most basic form it would read: He lay still in the grass, his shirt open over his chest, his arms bare. His lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. Much shorter than the original, a few adjectives would be fine but not 7! Most twilight readers are teenage girls and very few of them would have heard of 'scintillating' and wouldn't know what it meant, they therefore wouldn't realise that Meyer apparently doesn't either. Scintillating, when used as an adjective means brilliantly cleaver and witty, when used as a verb it means to emit sparks, so Edweird's arm is either  intelligent and witty or emitting sparks, in which case Bella wouldn't be touching him. Meyer also changes the meaning of sentences with her careless use of words for example 'everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns.' Instead of it sounding like the branches have green hanging on them it sounds as though the green and the branches are hanging together. Meyer never claimed to be an amazing writer; she just had an idea and got it published so the above mistakes can be mostly blamed on her editor for not pointing them out, all though I am less than half her age and I noticed these mistakes.

5: fantards: I for one would be quite happy to let the defects of twilight slide if it wasn't so damn popular, the fantards are just so over the top. Robert Pattinson once had a group of girls come up to him with freshly bleeding cuts on their necks, I mean, what the...?!  And I'll bet you any amount of money that a least one poor little girl gets named Renesme.